Talking to your kids about your pregnancy experience
Jul 03, 2024
by Beth Frazer
My husband and I lost our first son and daughter, twins, when I developed preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome just shy of twenty weeks pregnant. I nearly lost my life.
Only a few months later, we hopped in the car and drove over five hours to the nearest Promise Walk for Preeclampsia with fundraised donations in hand because we knew we had to do something.
That was almost eleven years ago... And we've been maternal health advocates ever since! We also now have three living children under the age of ten who assist us in that work.
They have always known about their brother and sister and the work we do to “help mommies and babies.” There’s never been a time when they were not sitting in on evening conference calls, standing by me during speeches, or taking road trips to fundraisers. Explaining our experience can be tricky but, truly, these shared moments are some of the most rewarding.
5 Tips To Talk to Your Kids
1. Make Your Pregnancy Story A Part of Your Family Story.
The easiest way to “explain” your story is to simply raise your children with it. That way, any explanation is natural and gradual. If you haven’t yet woven your pregnancy story into your family story – start now! Your advocacy work provides the very best opportunity for this to happen organically. Use it as a springboard; let your children know, in words they understand, the work that you’re doing and why.
2. Use language they understand
To start integrating your pregnancy experience into your family story, begin as generally and relatably as possible. Our children know that “Mommy got sick” with something called preeclampsia. We talk about “doing preeclampsia work,” and “helping mommies and babies.” We “fight" preeclampsia (sometimes even with karate kicks and yells of “he-yah! He-yah! Take THAT preeclampsia!”). We work to keep mommies healthy when they have babies in their bellies.
Specifically on the issue of loss, we’re careful to reassure our children that doctors usually can and do help people who are sick or hurt. Death can be a difficult concept, even when not related to pregnancy. We explained that people die when they are “too sick, or too hurt (or too old).” Our twins were born “too early” and were just “too tiny” for their bodies to work.
3. Answer the question - no more, no less.
After planting the initial seeds, let your children ask questions. Respond honestly, but simply and succinctly, without superfluous information. When there’s not a simple answer, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know”, or “doctors aren’t really sure!” Sometimes this really is the most honest response, particularly to questions of “why..?”
After answering, stop and watch their wheels turn. More often than not they’ll be satisfied with the answer and move on! When they’re ready, they’ll ask something different or deeper.
The idea is that children will ask a question when they’re developmentally prepared to handle its answer. By answering their questions, and only their questions, we give them just the information they want and can fully process. Over time, the conversations will build, layer upon layer. The process is slow, but the result is worth it.
4. Validate Their role in the family story
Find ways for your children to take ownership of the story that is now partly theirs. Validate their unique role in it, as well as their unique emotions. They might have their own feelings of loss (my children mention “missing” the older siblings they never knew), or of jealousy at the attention given to your complicated pregnancy.
Reassure them that your work is for and on behalf of the family, and that each member has an important connection to it, whether survivor, rainbow baby, sibling, or someone who might have a high-risk pregnancy one day herself!
5. Get Them involved early
As important as conversations are, children learn far more from our actions than any of our words. You are showing them that your story has power far beyond the walls of your home. You are helping them hear their own call to get involved!
I recently asked my ten-year-old about our volunteer work. Some years he passed out waters and sold raffle tickets at events. Some years he simply, but just as significantly, was supportive when I traveled to meetings and had to miss soccer games.
“It’s fun,” he said. “I like helping you.”
“But why do we do it?” I asked.
He shrugged and said, “So that no other family has to go through what we went through.”
He sees my pregnancy experience as our family story. And together, we’re using it to make a difference.
More training on how to tell your story and talk with others is available in our Patient Family Partner Certification.
For more information on our PFP training, complete the form below.
Acknowledgements
Special thanks to the review committee for their thoughtful review and editing of this content: Alexis Carena of the National Accreta Foundation, Diana Masulli of Amniotic Fluid Embolism Foundation, and Jacqueline McLeeland of The Push Partners.
This program is supported by funding from Merck, through Merck for Mothers, the company’s $500 million initiative to help create a world where no woman has to die while giving life. The content of this publication is solely the responsibility of the authors and does not represent the official views of Merck. Merck for Mothers is known as MSD for Mothers outside the United States and Canada.
Contact: [email protected] or 321-421-6957
©2024 Preeclampsia Foundation. All rights reserved. MoMMAs Voices is a Preeclampsia Foundation program. Preeclampsia Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization, Tax ID# 91-2073087. All materials contained in this publication are available for non-commercial use only. No part of this publication may be reproduced and distributed in any form without permission of the publication or in the case of third party materials, the owner of that content, except in the case of brief quotations followed by the above suggested citation. To request permission to reproduce any of these materials, please email [email protected].
Don't miss a beat!
New moves, motivation, and classes delivered to your inbox.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.